Matilda, my beloved dog, was scared by a firework one night and ran off, lost to us for four frantic days. It was the start of the lockdown for Corona Virus and the whole town was going crazy locked up with nothing to do. When I placed a post on the town facebook page to ask if anyone had seen her an army was mobilised but they failed to find her. What a surprise when she sauntered back at 2.30 am as though nothing had happened. This is her account of the four days she went awol. I haven’t always been the kind of dog who needs to get up in the night to pee. My life was not always sitting on the step watching the world go by. I am retired now but once I was known in every house in Korea, My fans would come on buses, following me around Europe. I would stop and pose for photos for a little while, one needs to do what one can. The humans, that are part of my entourage, once said they were just tourists on trips from Asia to see all the European sights but every time they saw me they would stop the bus and crowd around me.
The click click click of the camera shutters, the words “very big dog” uttered in excitement showed that I was their reason for the, being there not the hills of Salzburg or the Eiffel Tower, but me “Very Big Dog”. Things became too much so I decided to retire back to Southborough where I was not so well known but still I could not escape the bus tours. Every weekday morning, as I sat on the step, big yellow buses would pass full of children waving at me as they enjoyed the trip of a lifetime to see Matilda the European superstar. Then every afternoon about 2.30 the second wave would be brought by the big yellow busses to admire my beauty.
When you are as famous as me though there is always someone jealous of your success. On memorial day my head of security let me out to go to the bathroom. My PA had asked him for a glass of water so he went back inside the house leaving me vulnerable. It was then I heard the bang of a rocket launcher. The loudest bang you have ever heard ran through the humid night air. They had come for me. There was no one to protect me I had to run. As I ran a second bang, louder than the first I had to hide. I lay under a bush waiting for my security team to neutralize the threat. I heard them shouting me in the distance but how was I to know if the assassin was still there or not. Just as I thought things could not get any worse I heard a rustle in the leaves. It came closer and closer and the scent of death filled the air. Then there he was standing, staring at me, his inky black eyes penetrating the darkness. He sniffed the air, the scent of my pet smart coconut dog deodorant reaching his nostrils. It was at that moment he knew that I was a valuable commodity. This was not the perfume of any old mutt. This was the perfume of a girl who could afford to eat steak, the kind of girl who had dried fish skin delivered by the man in the brown van. She was valuable. He took me to his coyote lair where I was guarded by one of his minions. I knew that I had to gain his trust to make him like me if I had any chance of escape. He told me his name was Wile E after the friend of road runner but that he was very well-traveled and had once even ventured as far as Westborough. I think he was trying to impress me so I listened intently as he told me about a factory where he had dined on leftover sandwiches from a well-renowned dumpster and about a stream he had once visited that had the sweetest water to drink. I started to tell him about my European tour, of the restaurants in Germany that allowed dogs but frowned at human children, about the Christmas markets where salmon was smoked on boards by open fires and the humans tending them who saved all the skins for me. I told him of sausage island, of Cornish pasties, and of Austrian bratwurst. For four nights he listened to the stories of my travels until he would fall asleep dreaming of Swiss fondue and German schnitzel. I had heard my humans calling my name. I had even heard other humans calling my name, hundreds of them. It must have been my fans from the yellow busses and their families but Wile E was wide awake and waiting for the next instalment of Matilda’s memoirs. I had no chance to leave. On the fourth night, I had learned that once asleep, Wile E did not wake. The rest of the pack was out hunting so I made my escape. I ran and ran dodging the trees that rose out of brown crunchy leaves. I knew that they were heralding my arrival to every beast that hid in the shadows so I needed to be fast and decisive. I had friends close by that would bark to alert the humans. Stevie had lived on the streets. He was a survivor and would know what to do. Tucker was not so street wise but he would do anything for a treat. I had seen him chase the mailman getting a biscuit every time the while van drew to a halt by the fanmail boxes at the end of every driveway. Tucker would bark if only to get a treat to encourage him to be quiet. Batman and Lucy were new to the area and we did not fully know their story but they were keen to fit in so I knew they would not fail me. In the end, I didn’t need them. It was 2.30 am but I assumed my entourage would not have slept since I left four days earlier so I barked just twice on the doorstep, enough to bring the humans but not enough to summon the coyotes and fisher cats who were baying for my blood. Based on the time it took my PA to open the door and the shock on her face I am guessing my welfare was not as higher priority as I thought it would be. I walked past to my bowl and gave her a glance that let her know her job was on the line and I expected that she would have at least tried to find and protect me. She called for my head of security and he seemed to expect me to make a fuss of him but I made it clear he was lucky to still be in my employment.
The next morning I heard that my media specialist had developed a series of strategies to mobilize my fans to help recover me. There had been line searches, drones, prayers to St Anthony, and an army of people driving, cycling, and walking around town. Word had even reached Europe, Asia, and Australia of the assassination attempt and the police were investigating the crime. I would like to thank all my loyal fans for your hard work. At the moment my security team is employing a strategy they have called “she’s grounded” so I will not be allowed to greet the bus tours from my step but I hope to soon be able to resume my meet and greet sessions and thank each and every one of my loyal fans in person.
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